At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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