Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
