btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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