Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
