i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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