You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
