break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
