theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
