I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize