Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
