I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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