Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
