They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
