i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
