So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
