I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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