im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
