So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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