I'm sorry my penis didn't work
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
