I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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