how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
