I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
