im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
