im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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