So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
