Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
