There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize