Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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