I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize