Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
