I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
The maid of honor just puked.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
