Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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