I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
