you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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