I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
