i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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