No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
