The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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