Ambien. No doubt about it.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
