I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
