Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
