I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize