I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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