Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
