Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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