White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
