Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
