she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
