im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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