im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
