Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
