The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
