If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
