We got so high we made milksteak
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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