You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
