tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
