Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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