apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
