I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
