maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
home. puking in laundry basket.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Your shirt... Was in my pants
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
