god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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