just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
