im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
