I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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