New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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