He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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