I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
