I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
