I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
