Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
