those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
