hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
